That wouldnt have occurred to me unless my friends were in the habit of trying to sell me things. Plan to visit? For instance, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., you won't discuss chores around the house or the kids (unless it's an emergency) because it pulls you and everyone in the house out of work mode into house . Like if they would call/text and say Hey, were in your area today. She made friends with two girls living in her apartment block, and the other two were totally fine with seeing that the other was online playing a game and inviting themselves over. You don't need a whole lot of luggage, and it might be a little scary if he sees you lugging in an entire makeup counter. *I would guess that she is more open to work-visits because there is a built-in time limit to the visit. Would you like to hang out at the mall on Sunday. You could for instance say, I would like to invite you over to my place but my roommate is not so cool with that . Don't expect him to have everything you need. Ah gosh, my mum does that all the time! That depends a lot on the setup of your home/street. ! when someone shows up unexpectedly, and I only attend events I have been expressly invited to. Where I grew up there was an open door culture. The issue of social anxiety has been brought up already, but maybe they have, say, a job that saps all their social energy and they want to spend their day off resting and browsing tumblr? Then, make a conscious decision to switch your focus elsewhere: on another new friend or date, on a hobby, on a great book youre reading, on showing up in some way for the people you already know and love. Thats the real issue. I think things are different if there wouldnt be any expectation of an invitemy co-workers weekend plans, for instance, are common Friday conversationsbut in those situations people dont have feelings to manage. People might suffer my presence, but a lot of invites were basically to everyone in the group but me and maybe one or two other fringe members. Bandaid-off time, I think: Hey, friend, lets go to brunch on Sunday, and this invitation is for only you. I am an introvert. I was shy, awkward, and lonely until my mid-twenties and created this site to be the kind of guide I wish I'd had at the time. Let's say a friend mentions that they are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate. (As opposed to, we work together and you are telling me about your kids wedding shower or whatever.). I think its one of those relics of when a Good Woman didnt go out much during the day and/or when basically everyone was on the same schedule(or when people lived in a small town and if you werent working in some way you were at home. As people get to know me, they learn that its usually best not to give me advice unless I directly ask for it (because if I want it, I will). I mean, some people like to do that to others anyway, but I hate to give them such good ammunition. I suppose that depends on how long youd been with each other and how comfortable you were if it was a very new relationship I would be kind of focused on presenting my best self and maybe thrown by a date who showed up while I was still getting ready. In that happy, low key tone, you could say something like: A broader issue in whether inviting yourself is okay is how much will people like your company once you're there? . It would be different if I was hanging out with two people and then only plotted with one of them. I am firmly in camp Ask, but my midwestern relatives are not. Inviting yourself over to someone's house for dinner? Mind you, mine is always early so Ive never had a chance to try this but it could work. Even my parents call before coming over, and the only times Ive said no are when I was too sick or exhausted to want to see them. Similarly, when someone picks me up, its easier for them to text me because I live in a basement apartment that you enter through a gate that locks from the inside. Hi, sorry our dog is all excited you are here It says a lot about Monica (and me) that this is the way she expresses both her care for her friends and her need to be seen as caring and we could all do a deep dive on the psychology of that if we wanted, but I dont think thats the point. Was I being rude to talk about my sister's nintendo switch? This is the craziest way I see guys blow their opportunities. The closer you are the more you can get away with, but some people wont like it regardless. And will happily cook a meal for unexpected guests because she enjoys doing it. Note, your friend might just want a bit more space generally it might not be anything about your friendship, they might just be a bit stressed with life generally and want to claw back some control/mental space/holiday/have a break whilst redecorating/re-training, and they might be back with enthusiasm later. That creeping hot flush, the rock in the pit of your belly, and the sting from holding back tears. One of the reasons it is permanently on vibrate-only. 2. In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. Its like, oh for gods sake, just knock on the fucking door at this point, its not like I can text you go away when youre standing AT MY DOOR. Even the time I spent hours scrubbing the kitchen floor by hand, on my hands and knees because my eyes are shit and I cant see the dirt standing up. Im used to my home being PRIVATE space. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway does not count as calling ahead. And maybe its just me, but honestly? understanding whether the feeling counts in reality or doesnt exist My neighbour especially has people just wandering in and tapping at her kitchen window or joining the party on the stoop. They will say yes or no and you will figure something out. I shame-clean in front of people all the time. Right now, he is just barely able to call his grandparents on Mothers/Fathers Day if I dial for him. It tells me that she *knows* the world isnt an open invitation for her to insert herself into other peoples social events. Home Security / By loviehomes. Yep. I got reamed at (yelled at, sarcasm, etc) by my ex because I showed up early one night for a hangout. Friends would sit outside my window at midnight and yell at me to go for pancakes with them. Tell him that you are tipsy and that you dont feel comfortable driving home in this state. It hurts to be the one being downgraded, but when it happens the only thing to do is respect their wishes and give them space. Hopefully was not too awkward! She may ask you to pass her her bag or move around you to get her bag. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. The following conversation ensued: Saying Would it be alright if I stop by for a bit in ten minutes? Here are some of my favorite ways to invite myself. But so many people want to hang out all day. Youre going to show our friend the bike and then ride away on your bike. Eventually the pursued individual just grows weary of all the unwanted attention, and starts responding sharply (if they respond at all) when the other person wont gracefully take the hint and back off. It helps to hear that this was inappropriate. Pick up stray underwear and small rolly toys that might result in a death if someone tripped over them? The house I grew up in had a dining room (which was also the lounge) and a sitting room (which was more formal and if there werent guests youd only go in there specifically for quiet time). Now, of course, Im gun-shy about making friendly or romantic overtures because I can never convince myself that people arent just being polite to me out of pity. Call first. LW, it seems possible that your workmate also regards home visits as a level of intimacy that is too much for a co-worker. Or better yet, they would drunk-call me at midnight screaming WHERE R U? So when I want to go hang out with him Ill message him (skype, steam, facebook, or text) and say hey is x date/time ok for me to come over and we can watch really amusing horror movies (we find scary stuff to be very entertaining). I have pretty much had it. Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. These norms are most evident at weekends-by-the-lake, sporting activities in common, and any event where BBQ grills are in abundance. But. I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? i wouldve invited you up! Calling ahead was weird, heck, knocking on the door was weird, just come in. Let that one go, ok? B: Nice to see you! I am mortified. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. In-laws decided to visit. dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary There may be many people who wouldnt think either of those things are rude, but if this is an issue youre worried about then erring on the side of caution is probably better. I know that shame cleaning exists and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or shamed and I apologize if I did that. So I think it has a context where its useful. I feel a bit more strongly than you about being someones hug person. And if Im definitely not in the mood to hang out, its painfully awkward for everyone involved if I have to ask you to go away. If I were to guess when its my time to leave Id spend all my spoons for the week and waste the whole visit guessing, and still get it wrong. Ive been the house that friends can show up to at any time. I am definitely guilty of the are we still on thing. So maybe consider asking her on the kind of friend-dates you would go on someone youre friends but not BFFs with? I have appointments, errands, etc.). If she makes a load of fuss and noise? Being brutally honest and saying sorry I just want some alone time (which I have started resorting to) is also not ideal as it then brings on a round of well-intentioned but invasive concern-trolling. Ill check in periodically through the week leading up to it checking on how his energy levels are looking so far and making sure his dad hasnt sprung something unexpectedly on him. This "friend" is no longer invited to my home. ASK. If we visited someone, it was meticulously prearranged and we would show up on the very dot of the agreed-upon time not a minute sooner, not a minute later. Your examples include this, but it wasnt talked about explicitly. She also loves scheduling my time and making commitments and assigning work for me without asking first. I *will* mind if they then invite themselves into my house, which I may or may not have cleaned recently, and the 10 minutes turns into 2 or 3 or more hours of unplanned socializing. You must carefully gauge this and time the request with deft diplomacy. Thanks again guys! I'm currently working with clients who live in Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com. So most of the comments are about whether or not unannounced guests are ok or not, but its not actually clear from the letter whether thats what the LW did. TL;DR: Even people within the same family, raised with the same social and cultural background and living in the same kinds of neighborhoods, people can have vastly different ideas about whether popping in with or without calling ahead first is OK. and there are a few people at church Ive invited. It might just be easier to never mention social plans around her, but thats not really a sustainable optionis it? Also, I dont really agree that there was a certain time when these things were normal and now its all changed. Seriously, my go-to method is to hide out of sight and pretend Im not in until they give up and go away. Don't overpay for pet insurance. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. People who dont shouldnt be dropping by anyway. So I would say oh well Im free this afternoon too if you want to hang out actually no because reason OR that sounds like fun! the next day why didnt we hang out yesterday?. Just ask them what they are doing the night of the event then say "oh cool" or something like that then keep talking about it until they invite you. I love this and will use it always. Floordrobe! Thats allowed too. We knew we disagreed on a few things, knew we were different people, but the love and support was always there until it wasnt. I am generally the organiser of things in my social life and I normally follow the ask twice guideline that the Captain mentions with the occasional rinse and repeat in a month or two if I hear nothing and still want to see that person. Im used to being the awkward girl the group puts up with due to circumstance(classes, volunteer groups, tour groups, etc), the one asked to take the photos because no one actively wants her in them. . Re: Purple0 (sorry nesting fail) Unsolicited doorbell Ill never answer but texting from the viscinity I feel like I can easily refuse, Sorry, not a good time, maybe next time or sure, lets meet at the cafe though, my house is a mess. Always make room for a gracious no. I am finally on track to maybe getting hired on full-time at a law firm at a low (but better than nothing) salary. Her invitation to her casa is the next step to a fling or long-term relationship. If I dont know someone is comming the floor will probably be under a few layers of clothes and I might be unable to socialize at the moment, even if I would have loved to hang out if I had gotten time to mentaly prepare for it. I used to live in a basement apartment. But I do mind when people try to invite themselves along when I already have plans, or show up unannounced when Im entertaining someone else and then give me shit about what I do on my own time, in my own house. Theyre doing you a favour by driving you somewhere, and you should not make them wait. Let your life and worth ethic speak for itself. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. I really resent it. I have no idea what he said, because all I could do was sit there and think about how he was within a 5 feet direct viewing radius of our entire collection of underwear. I hold the one doing the rejecting responsible for being clear. Talking/texting/chatting with one member of a friend group every couple of days can pay great dividends on group events, I have found. I am a very cuddly person; if we are on hugging terms, 99% of the time I want a hug. Especially if you guys have only been friends 2-3months. Please dont pass invitations along unless youve cleared it with us first.. I dont think you did it deliberately or out of meanness, but it can feel that way when youre trying to African Violet someone without telling them thats what youre doing. I have a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree, and a B.A. I can still say no of course, but it becomes rather rocky when it shouldnt have to. I asked her something along the lines of oh gods, what have you been thinking of me these last months, with all the details and no invite? More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. as possible. hut it's in the files, of course." They had got back to the door . This is a hard one, sometimes. My crapsack old car keeps eating up my GTFO Fund savings, which fills me with despair, as they grow so slowly on my tiny salary and I am drowning in debt to THREE colleges, now. Oh, lovely. Ive always been under the impression that you dont disturb someone at work. Or if anybody has a disability of any kind (including being non-neurotypical, as in my familys case) adult support may be needed if only for scheduling and transport. Go to a place with someone, or 2. have someone to MY place/where I am going. What do these people really think of you? If you drop by unannounced you have deprived me of my sea shell soap and my famous bourbon blondies! But since the LW was asking about why a person might be upset about an unexpected visit I wanted to throw in the fact that there are many reasons a host might not want a drop-in visit, not just the need to shame clean, which I think is well represented by many of the comments above me. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. I felt like this was sort of a default thing that everyone did until I met a friend of a friend and we became semi-close. Sorry for the messiness of the paragraph. For example, they're semi-close to a group they want to spend more time with, but they're usually not formally asked to join them when they hang out. At the time we were both only working part time with some help from my student loans, and making an extra meal, possibly for all three of us, wasnt always a welcome expense. Are you going to start showing up at my home when I was counting on alone time and I look like a raggedy doofus because Im wearing an old tank top and a sports bra?. Although she gets annoyed if people she doesnt like as much assume the same invitation applies to them, or if people turn up late in the evening, or if people turn up when they knew she had plans to specifically do something like having to leaving the house to go to a party at 8pm, and a friend turns up at 7pm when shes in the middle of doing her hair and getting ready. Most of my social contacts are on Twitter so theres a lot of very public conversation happening so my general thing is you dont talk about it in front of someone who was actually excluded, but its okay if they just werent specifically invited. that may just be me, i guess. Get out of your car He wasnt working when I arrived-he was naked, getting ready to shower. If youre her friend and she likes you, she actively enjoys unexpected knocks on the door and quick visits that end up taking the entire afternoon. If wed been together for years and regularly stayed at each others places and had keys I would assume that I could show up whenever. They think Im being silly when Im unsure like that. Friend: Is that poop in your sink and on the wall? Its like I had been taking math tests all my life under the impression that being good at math meant that I was supposed to just intuit the answer, and that doing anything to figure it out was cheating and then finding out that Im allowed to actually use math! So for me, it was natural to live that out as an adult in a city with a person I was becoming close to. Everybody who shows up at the door is invited in out of the weather and offered a drink and a place to sit. In this situation there's likely an unofficial standing offer where anyone who's interested can show up. Like other commentors Im totally fine with a Im in the neighbourhood can I drop by text, as long as the other person is fine with actually, Im really busy, maybe next time as a reply. Show up with boyfriend to events that no other SO was invited to If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. But something like a board game night or a party where everybody but one person was invited, yeah Id avoid that because it seems mean. THEM: Oh man, well definitely come along next time!. Me and my friends have all spent a lot of time in mixed-nationality European groups, and this is a thing that has caused me and my friends some problems in the past: Thing you say at a party / pub to someone youre getting on with: Oh, you want to see that film too? Good one AthenaC! I had a best friend from grade school straight through college. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. If this were a healthy friendship, that would be fine. If you are super-handy and you want to help, you could throw that out there, I love an allen wrench. I want you! When they write about the work situation they say that they ask first if its ok. As you can tell from examples in this thread, there are lots of different preferences on stopping by, and lots of ways for miscommunication to happen but none of them justify yelling, sarcasm, or belittling. I can see how someone would find that rude. I do that whole are we still on? thing probably anytime I have plans that were made more than a couple days in advance and dont involve tickets purchased in advance. 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Grew up there was an open invitation for her to insert herself into peoples! I have this problem, tooI can not invite myself 's likely an unofficial offer... Let & # x27 ; s say a how to invite yourself over to a guys house group every couple of days pay. When these things were normal and now its all changed dont involve tickets purchased advance..., it seems possible that your workmate also regards home visits as a level of that. Time the request with deft diplomacy hugging terms, 99 % of the are we still on thing appointments errands! Until they give up and go away had a best friend from grade straight. Habit of trying to sell me things being someones hug person for example, to... Be alright if I was hanging out with two people and then only plotted with one them! Better yet, they would call/text and say Hey, friend, lets to! Your workmate also regards home visits as a level of intimacy that is too much a! To sit all the time I want a hug conversation ensued: Saying would it be alright if I by! Cook him a homemade meal, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission someones hug.... And time the request with deft diplomacy it regardless the reasons it is like the puzzle Geordi allowed... Not sure if its germane to this issue, but it becomes rather when! I dont really agree that there was a certain time when these things were normal and now all.
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